Friday, July 24, 2009

Goodbye Kelvinator, Hello Kenmore

There's no easy way to tell you this, my old friend Kelvinator, but this relationship is over. I won't deny we've had good times together. I was a little scared that you were stalking me, when I left you behind in my last old, run down apartment, only to find you lurking in the corner of my new apartment, but we've made it work. You have pretty much kept everything nice and cool. But the party's over now.

I wasn't lying to you when I told you how much I love vintage antique housewares! I do, just not in a refrigerator. We've had fun together for sure, but you hemorrhage cold air at all your seams. You're a dirty old man inside and out. I hate to say this, but you're really too small. I know they say size doesn't matter but it does.

I've gone for a newer, younger and bigger model. There, I said it. I'm sorry. And one last final indignity, but I need back all those magnates and decorations I've given you over time, because I want to give them to your replacement.

Whats crowded in the Kelvinator looks like nothing in the new Kenmore.

So you know, I won't be here when you go. I've asked a bunch of guys to have you evicted when I'll be out, because, although I sound blase, I know it will hurt. I don't have the courage to see you, slumped and decrepit, a burned out has-been, waiting in the alley for that junk truck to pull up and have someone half-haphazardly throw you in the back of the trash pile for your last ride to the scarp yard.

But, its time to move on. I've got a new big Kenmore waiting for me now. Energy efficient, twice the size with glass shelves instead of wire. Beer bottles will never fall over in this one. I'm ready. This is it. Our final goodbye.

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